Sunday, January 6, 2019

Late Night Brain Farts



Brain: hey.  Psssst. HEY.

Me: *groan*

Brain: C'mon.  This is good.

me: Nooooo.  Shut up.  I'm sleeping.

Brain: hemorrhoids.

Me: I'm sorry. What!?

Brain:. Yeah.  This is genius. So, you know how some people say you can use Preparation H under your eyes to shrink bags?

Me: I guess?

Brain:. Well, you've been grumbling about that extra 20 lbs.... Rub it on your tummy!  Ta da!

Me: So first, it's NINETEEN lbs, and I don't think it works that way.

**Excuse me?  Hello?  Sorry to interrupt. Imagination here. I couldn't help but overhear.... **

Me: seriously?  Another voice in my head?  Sigh.  Of course.  Why not?  It's only 2 am.  Go ahead.

Imagination: Right.  I got this.  Picture this.
You're at work and you are looking GOOOD girlfriend.  For the low cost of $127.50 you have coated that bloat and you soooo skinny....

Me: What's up with the weird grammar?

Brain: Shhhh.  I wanna hear this.

Me: Oh gosh.  I'm sooo sorry Brain.  By all means, listen on.  It's not like I wanted to sleep or anything.

Imagination:. Walking down the stairs.  You got your favorite boots on.  You know the ones.  Not too short.  Not too tall.  Have a real nice click when you walk. . Mmmhm.  You clothes are fitting sweet.  Confident walk.  Nice hair.  You're looking swell.... Oh did I say SWELL??? *Snicker*

Me: I'm not sure I like where this is heading.

Imagination: Final flight baby.  You feeling goooood.  There's a guy walking by the base of the stairs, not that you notice because you're deep in important sexy people thoughts.  When BAM the PrepH wears off .  You start popping rolls like the Doughboy on crack. Shit's jiggling, and bouncing, and popping.....

Me: I feel ill.

Brain:. More!!! I love it!!

Me: Not only am I never going to sleep again, I'm never going to work.

Brain: Ok Ok.  I have another one.  So you know how tampons absorb moisture....

Me: Gaaargh!!!! No no nonoooooop