****Trigger warning: if you have had a bad experience with aroused donkeys or horses, priapism, or the color purple, the following content may be upsetting for you.****
Here's what went down- or up as the case may be (heh heh. See what I did there?).
"ARHG! BLUE!" I scream, "Gross! Stop it! NO! Oh My God! Yuck!"
Doug bolts off the couch and lands on the living room floor hunched over looking like I am going to beat him. Blue is singularly unconcerned. Park Diggledeewood, who would normally find this kind of thing hilarious, is looking at the dog with concern. And so he should. Where Doug's penis would normally be is a GIANT, purple, almost touching the floor, monstrosity of a hard on. This thing is no slightly embarrassing little doggy lipstick, - this is a donkey sized monster hanging down threatening to slap itself on the floor if the dog so much as moves an inch. This monster wants to take over the world. I suspect Doug is hunched not in shame, but in an effort to prevent the thing from dragging on the ground.
The cat in the meantime, has jumped up and is getting ready to launch himself from the couch onto the dog's back. Because, well, why not? I snatch up the dog, flapping the deformity between his legs around in the air. Both Park and I are amazed/shocked/horrified by the monster protruding from the dog's crotch. Frankly, I have never seen anything like it. I think it might be threatening me.
I'm not a guy. I don't have a penis. But Park is and does, so I ask him, "Is that normal? Is he going to be okay? Where the hell did it all come from? Can it even go back in?" Park has no answers for me. He's busy staring at the dog with a horrified expression. I figure he's a guy he should know SOMETHING about this kind of situations. But nope. He's kind of uselessly traumatized and just standing there mumbling things like.. "I .. don't... That's. I mean.... It's just.... Is it bleeding?"
I have no idea or care where Blue has scampered off to. I have the dog flipped over and am trying to figure out what the heck I should do. There is a little drop of blood on one side, along with lint and dust stuck to it. Do I get a cool cloth and put it on there? Do I just leave it alone? Seriously, can that thing even retract? Is it like a tape measure... if you pull it out too far there is no going back? I reach out to take the hair off of it and both the dog and Park flinch. I'm no expert on people dicks- never mind dog ones, so I have no clue. Did I just hurt him? Is it super sensitive? What. The. Hell. Should. I. Do?
I'll tell you what I did. I stuffed the dog in his crate to be in a quiet place. I shoved some treats at him so that he wouldn't feel he was being shamed for his massive... what ever the hell that thing was, and turned on the TV. I can NOT call the vet and tell them my cat broke the dog's dick. I mean dick's are pretty resilient right? It will go away. I think. Maybe. Right?
I am happy to report that it did go away. I have no idea how much of his stomach is actually dick anchor, but after seeing that alien monster that came out of his innocent looking pee hole... well let's just say tummy rubs are off the table. Permanently.