Wednesday, October 10, 2018

My Cat Broke My Dog's Dick

I wasn't really sure if I could write this particular entry as it's not so much funny as horrifying, or maybe, horrifyingly funny.  I will tell you right up front, the cat did NOT in fact break the dog's penis, but I honestly thought for a while I was going to have to call the vet and tell her that my cat had broken my dog's dick.  The same dog, by the way, who had already lost an eye because of another cat.

****Trigger warning: if you have had a bad experience with aroused donkeys or horses, priapism, or the color purple, the following content may be upsetting for you.****

Here's what went down- or up as the case may be (heh heh.  See what I did there?).

You may or may not know I recently added a new kitten to the family.  For reasons that are unclear to even myself, I named him Blue Bear.  Now Blue is an unusual and fun kitten.  Nothing scares him. Everything is an adventure in his mind.  Big angry cats?  Clearly made for sneak attacking and football tackles.  Dogs? Awesome for nose sniffing, chasing across the apartment, and ambush ankle biting.  People? Also made for ambushing, occasional leg climbing, and of course food delivery.  Furniture is just intricately made launch pads.  Curtains are for swinging on, and plants are a great package deal of nibbly things and stuff to shoot around the floor.

In 4 weeks, Blue Bear and Doug have become fast buddies.  Truth be told, Doug really hasn't had any say in the matter.  From the beginning Blue saw Doug as some kind of moving jungle-jim/ giant squeaky toy.  Doug, for his part, has shown unbelievable tolerance for having a needle toothed kitten gnawing on his ankle while he tries to eat, walk, or sleep. He's been leapt on, slept on, chewed, licked, and had his face repeatedly kicked in by the back feet of a tiny fur ball that's wrapped itself around his head.

Recently Blue, having gotten large enough to actually wrap his arms around Doug's neck, has been working on his wrestling take downs.  He's not quite there yet, but watching him tug and pull with his arms around the dog's neck, is pretty amusing.  Especially as Doug stands there rolling his one eye up at me as if to say, "You're just gonna stand there snickering? No help? Nothing?" I usually respond with, "Karma dude. Karma."  Blue's other new move has been to wait until Doug settles into a good snore, drape himself completely over the dog like a Blue Bear throw rug and grab a mouthful of neck, ear, or whatever.  He will then begin kneading and purring.  He's not suckling, just chomped on and clinging like a vibrating burr.

Two days ago Park Diggledeewood (name has been changed to protected the traumatized) says, "Hey, what's up with Doug? ....Uh.... What is Blue doing?"  They're on the couch.  Doug is in a weird hunched over position looking confounded and maybe guilty.  It's kind of hard to read expressions on his scrunchy face. Guilt and happiness look remarkably similar. I step closer and see that Blue is under Doug and has clamped onto his penis in one of his famous neck bites!  He's got a strong bite on the dog's most sensitive parts and is kneading Doug's belly! 

"ARHG!  BLUE!" I scream, "Gross!  Stop it!  NO! Oh My God!  Yuck!"

Doug bolts off the couch and lands on the living room floor hunched over looking like I am going to beat him.  Blue is singularly unconcerned. Park Diggledeewood, who would normally find this kind of thing hilarious, is looking at the dog with concern.  And so he should.  Where Doug's penis would normally be is a GIANT, purple, almost touching the floor, monstrosity of a hard on.  This thing is no slightly embarrassing little doggy lipstick, - this is a donkey sized monster hanging down threatening to slap itself on the floor if the dog so much as moves an inch.  This monster wants to take over the world. I suspect Doug is hunched not in shame, but in an effort to prevent the thing from dragging on the ground.

The cat in the meantime, has jumped up and is getting ready to launch himself from the couch onto the dog's back.  Because, well, why not?  I snatch up the dog, flapping the deformity between his legs around in the air.  Both Park and I are amazed/shocked/horrified by the monster protruding from the dog's crotch.  Frankly, I have never seen anything like it.  I think it might be threatening me.

I'm not a guy.  I don't have a penis.  But Park is and does, so I ask him, "Is that normal?  Is he going to be okay?  Where the hell did it all come from?  Can it even go back in?"  Park has no answers for me.  He's busy staring at the dog with a horrified expression.  I figure he's a guy he should know SOMETHING about this kind of situations.  But nope.  He's kind of uselessly traumatized and just standing there mumbling things like.. "I .. don't... That's.  I mean.... It's just.... Is it bleeding?" 

I have no idea or care where Blue has scampered off to.  I have the dog flipped over and am trying to figure out what the heck I should do.  There is a little drop of blood on one side, along with lint and dust stuck to it.  Do I get a cool cloth and put it on there?  Do I just leave it alone?  Seriously, can that thing even retract?  Is it like a tape measure... if you pull it out too far there is no going back?  I reach out to take the hair off of it and both the dog and Park flinch.  I'm no expert on people dicks- never mind dog ones, so I have no clue.   Did I just hurt him?  Is it super sensitive?  What. The. Hell.  Should. I. Do?

I'll tell you what I did.  I stuffed the dog in his crate to be in a quiet place.  I shoved some treats at him so that he wouldn't feel he was being shamed for his massive... what ever the hell that thing was, and turned on the TV.   I can NOT call the vet and tell them my cat broke the dog's dick.  I mean dick's are pretty resilient right?  It will go away.  I think.  Maybe.  Right?

I am happy to report that it did go away.  I have no idea how much of his stomach is actually dick anchor, but after seeing that alien monster that came out of his innocent looking pee hole... well let's just say tummy rubs are off the table. Permanently.   

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