Tuesday, October 23, 2018

4 Day Diary of Near Death

Day 1
Dear Diary-
I am so sick.  My brain is throbbing and my stomach hates me.  I was woken up by a solid bite encompassing the entire end of my nose!  Through tears and sleep blurred eyes, I see Blue Bear sitting on the mattress 5 inches from my face.  I suspect he's waiting for me to die.

Day2
Dear Diary-
Slightly better.  Actually ate a little today.  I made sure to move a body part periodically so that the cat knows that I am still alive.  I want to be sure he at least waits until I am actually dead before attempting to eat me again.


Day3
The little bastard has upped his game.  Clearly I am taking too long to die.  In what was an obvious bid to kill me, Blue Bear waited under the bed for me to be struck by the need to use the bathroom. Two steps from the bed, a ball of fur and razors launched itself at my ankle and calf.  Staggering around, I bounced off of the door frame and wall but managed to stay on my feet thereby protecting my jugular vein.  I was rescued by Doug who, thinking it was a great game, jumped on Blue and bit his tail.  While Blue and Doug wrestled in the living room I finished up in the bathroom and returned to the safety of my bed.


Day4
Feeling much better.  Clearly this has displeased Blue who has launched a campaign to drive me insane.  While I tried to nap, he began on his diabolical and systematic plan.  First move was to dump a hugely stinky poo in my favorite plant.  While I was cleaning this, he grabbed the power cord to my wood burner and began pulling on that.  I managed to clean the mess and prevent a minor disaster by yelling and waving my arms like a bee attacked lunatic.  Blue slunk away to plot his next move.

I collapsed back into bed only to be awakened moments later by the sound of one of the larger cats  hissing and snarling while trying to detach a clinging Blue Bear from his back.  I plucked the kitten from the cat's back and opened the door to let both big cats escape the hell spawn that is Blue. Of course the little shit head managed to slip through the door and dash out into the yard in what was surely an attempt to give me pneumonia.

10 minutes later with mud coated bare feet and frozen toes, I have retrieved the Bastard Bear and tossed him into the living room.  Undaunted, he launched an immediate counter attack to my ankles!  Cursing and hopping, I retreated to the relative safety of my bed.  I say "relative" because I was followed and assaulted by 15 minutes of ferocious attempts to shred my feet.  Foiled by the multiple protective layers of blankets, Blue Bear fell asleep at the end of the bed.

I do confess to entertaining the thought of using my battered foot to launch his furry ass into the bedroom wall, but was too tired to make a real attempt.  I later realized this was a lost opportunity when I awoke unable to breath with stabbing pains in my skull.  Blue Bear had draped his entire body over my face and was attempting to soften my head for eating by kneading my skull with this claws.

I grabbed the cat from my face and sitting up, I lifted him to eye level so he would understand the seriousness of what was to come, I drew in a deep breath to yell.  Eye to eye, I hold up his limp body by one hand under his front arms.  I am going to kill this little bastard.  Enough is enough!  I will fling him into the wall!  It's me or it's him.  I look up into his completely unconcerned golden eyes surrounded by silky black fur and what do I see?  The very tip of his tiny pink tongue sticking out of his adorable mouth.

Sigh.... A kiss on the nose and ten minutes later Blue Bear, Doug, and I are all sound asleep snuggled on my bed.  Damn that freaking adorable ball of killer cuteness.

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