Arriving to work late, I show my supervisor my finger and tell her I had been bitten by a woodchuck on the way to work. Her response (with a completely baffled expression), "Why was your finger anywhere near a woodchuck's face?" Ok, that's a pretty legitimate question
Conversation with the doctor's office:
Me, "I'm calling because I would like you to prescribe antibiotics. I was bitten by a woodchuck."
Nurse, "A what now?"
Me, "A woodchuck, groundhog, whatever. I was trying to get him out of the road and he bit
me. No biggie, it's a small puncture wound. I just don't want an infection."
Nurse, "You need to come in. We can't simply give antibiotics without seeing you, and well there's rabies to consider."
Me,"Nope. Not worried about rabies. The woodchuck was just scared. It's tiny hole really."
Nurse, "Well, let me talk to the doctor."
They call back,
Nurse, "We really need you to come in. I did a little research and woodchucks pass
rabies. You're going to need some shots."
Me, "Shotssss, like, more than one?"
Nurse, "Well, yes. Also your last tetanus was 10 years ago so..."
Me,"... uh, okay. But really. I don't think he had rabies." Because, you know, I'm an expert in
these things. 😐 "So.... I'll just come in after work."
Nurse, "Mmm. No. In fact, we'd like you to go the emergency room. We'll tell them you are
Me, "ER? Nope. That's not happening. It's a tiny puncture wound. Honestly, it's not even
Nurse, "Rabies is serious. You need to go get the shots."
Me, "No, really. It's not that bad."
Nurse, "Yeah. Ok. I understand what you are saying. We called the CDC. Of 357 human
rabies cases last year 93% were from woodchuck bites."
Me, "Which hospital?"
Coworker, "So you're going to leave animals in the road alone now, right?"
Me, "Do you really want me to answer that?"
Coworker, "Ask the doctor if they have a shot for idiot-itis." #Harsh
Four shots later with four more to go, "Y-yes?"
Shots number 7 & 8, "Maybe."
Shots number 9 & 10, "Fuck that motherfucking rodent. His fat ass better be alive right now and partying damn hard."
Upon learning I have to return for 3 more shots,"I might just go find it right now and hit it with a shit shovel in it's mudsucking head!" (Not really. I would never do that- and yeah I know, I have a foul mouth)
Me, "So, I'm thinking, after the next three rabies vaccine shots...."
Son, "No Mom. No. This does NOT mean you are protected enough to play with wildlife!"
Beloved son waits until the end of the complaining to ask, "So, let me get this straight. You took the woodchuck back to the hole he got scared out of and ran away from because of construction? The place where they're still doing the same construction?"
Me: .......*blink*........ (OMG I cannot express adequately how much I hate/love this kid.)
At work the next day I tell my supervisor what my son has said. I don't know why I expected any sympathy. Her response? "Maybe you should put him on speed dial and whenever you have any thoughts like, say, of eating pickles or picking up distressed animals..... "