Thursday, July 12, 2018

Follow Up: The Woodchuck Conversations

I thought I would share some of the conversations/comments prompted by my woodchuck adventure.  So here goes:

Arriving to work late, I show my supervisor my finger and tell her I had been bitten by a woodchuck on the way to work.  Her response (with a completely baffled expression),  "Why was your finger anywhere near a woodchuck's face?"  Ok, that's a pretty legitimate question


Conversation with the doctor's office:
Me, "I'm calling because I would like you to prescribe antibiotics.  I was bitten by a woodchuck."
Nurse, "A what now?"
Me, "A woodchuck, groundhog, whatever.  I was trying to get him out of the road and he bit     
         me.  No biggie, it's a small puncture wound.  I just don't want an infection."
Nurse, "You need to come in.  We can't simply give antibiotics without seeing you, and well                   there's rabies to consider."
Me,"Nope.  Not worried about rabies.  The woodchuck was just scared.  It's tiny hole really."
Nurse, "Well, let me talk to the doctor."

They call back,
Nurse, "We really need you to come in.  I did a little research and woodchucks pass 
             rabies. You're going to need some shots."
Me, "Shotssss, like, more than one?"
Nurse, "Well, yes.  Also your last tetanus was 10 years ago so..."
Me,"... uh, okay.  But really.  I don't think he had rabies."  Because, you know, I'm an expert in
       these things. 😐  "So.... I'll just come in after work."
Nurse, "Mmm.  No.  In fact, we'd like you to go the emergency room.  We'll tell them you are 
Me, "ER? Nope. That's not happening.  It's a tiny puncture wound.  Honestly, it's not even 
Nurse, "Rabies is serious.  You need to go get the shots."
Me,    "No, really.  It's not that bad."
Nurse, "Yeah.  Ok.  I understand what you are saying.  We called the CDC.  Of 357 human 
            rabies cases last year 93% were from woodchuck bites."
Me, "Which hospital?"

In the hospital after speaking with the CDC the doctor came back to me and said, "Well the CDC recommends we follow the rabies exposure protocol.  They also said to tell my patient to stop picking up wildlife."  - #yupthat'sgonnahappen

With the nurse at the hospital after discussing how all of this happened she says, "I'm pretty sure you're going to have to have rabies shots.
Me, "Shots?  Okay. How many."
Her eyes slide to the side.  She says, "Well, there's a series."
Me, "Series? Okay. Like, I come back.... "
Her, "Nooooo...." She's still not making eye contact. I don't like this sketchiness.
Me, "Oh. Soooo... how many are we talking here?"
Her, continuing to avoid eye contact, "Well it's based on weight...."
Me, beginning to see where this is going, "The fuck?  I'm FAT! Is it true they go in your 
Her, not even attempting to say anything nice like, 'hey you're not fat, you're fluffy, or, 'your just big boned,' says, "Well not your stomach.  Various places on your body. Your thighs, your arms..."
Me, "How. Many. Shots."
Nurse, "Well, um.  I have your tetanus shot here.  Let's just start with that."
......Oh man.  Fuck me..... This is gonna suck.  

By text from a coworker,
Coworker, "So you're going to leave animals in the road alone now, right?"
Me, "Do you really want me to answer that?"
Coworker, "Ask the doctor if they have a shot for idiot-itis."  #Harsh

On facebook: "If only there were some way this could have been prevented...."  Bite me dickhead! Wait no.  That's been done.  Never mind, point taken.

After receiving a tetanus shot in one arm and a rabies vaccine in the other, the nurse asks, "Do you think you would still try to rescue an animal in the road?"
Unhesitant response,"Absolutely."
Four shots later with four more to go, "Y-yes?"
Shots number 7 & 8, "Maybe."
Shots number 9 & 10, "Fuck that motherfucking rodent.  His fat ass better be alive right now and partying damn hard."
Upon learning I have to return for 3 more shots,"I might just go find it right now and hit it with a shit shovel in it's mudsucking head!"  (Not really.  I would never do that- and yeah I know, I have a foul mouth)

Getting home from the hospital, sore, shaky, and just... ugh, my son and daughter-in-law meet me in the driveway.  I sit and tell them the whole story.

Me,  "So, I'm thinking, after the next three rabies vaccine shots...."
Son, "No Mom.  No.  This does NOT mean you are protected enough to play with wildlife!"

Beloved son waits until the end of the complaining to ask, "So, let me get this straight.  You took the woodchuck back to the hole he got scared out of and ran away from because of construction?  The place where they're still doing the same construction?"
Me:  .......*blink*........ (OMG I cannot express adequately how much I hate/love this kid.)

At work the next day I tell my supervisor what my son has said.   I don't know why I expected any sympathy.  Her response? "Maybe you should put him on speed dial and whenever you have any thoughts like, say, of eating pickles or picking up distressed animals..... "  

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