Friday, June 1, 2018

Boogers & Depressive Overreactions

And here it is, another shining moment in motherhood from Lealyn.

I admit, I was having a stressful day (week, month, year), but this day seemed particularly bad when I realized that my son's 30th birthday was in a mere 3 days.  I had just gotten out of work, frustrated, tired,angry when it hit me that I had planned nothing!  Not a damn thing for a watershed moment in life- your thirties!  It wasn't bad enough I'd let this kid down over and over in his childhood, that I'd been miles away from perfect as an adult mom, that I'd isolated him and his brother from extended family, that I'd more than once cried on his shoulder, but on top of all of that,  I'd forgotten his 30th birthday!  Christ, I barely deserve to live. I suck so much.

And so there I was, just home from work, shrouded in my cloud of guilt and self hatred.  This was laying so heavily on me I knew I had to let my son know that I really do love him.  Now.  It had to be now.  I appreciate him.  He's pretty great and I'm a failure.  My failures shouldn't make him feel unimportant.  He needs to know.

And so I drag my sorry ass to his apartment, guilt ridden and miserable.   One look at me and he blurts out, "Mom, what's wrong?"

I immediately begin verbally vomiting out my self loathing, becoming more and more worked up as I go along,  "Luis," I say,  "I can't believe how much I suck.  I'm such a jerk... *sniffle*...."

Luis: Mom? Whaaa..?

Me: I just.... I can't believe I'm such a.. a ... jerk.  I hate myself..... *sniffle*

Luis: Mom....

Me: It's just.... your birthday is like, 3 days away....and.... *sob*....and ...I...*sniffle*

Luis: Mom.  Stop.  Listen-

At this point I think it is only fair to tell you, dear reader, that I am most definitely not a pretty crier.  My face swells up.  Everything gets all red and slobbery. My nose runs.  It is, capital U, Ugly, messy and gross when I cry.   But,

Me: Thirty is so important.... I don't know...*sob* ...wa-what I was thinking.... I'm such a jerk-

Luis: Mom!  Listen.  You're going to hate yourself... (Is he smiling?)

Me: (the waterworks are in full flow now)  You don't understand at all.   I just.... I just wanted to...              to... be... a better mom. *sniffle* It's important... I...  *sniff*

Luis:  MOM!!!

Me:  (sniffing and wiping my nose on my sleeve like the classy lady I am) what?

Luis: I'm gonna be 29.

Me: .......😩.......😩............your....going.....to..... be....29?

Luis:Yup.  Not 30 Mom.

Me: ......... (eyes beginning to well up with more tears)....... What mother doesn't know her own kid's        age?  I....I'm..... such a shitty mom..... *waaaaaaa**

Luis throws his hands in the air and laughing just grabs me into a bear hug and says:  I love you Mum.

I'm glad to report that his compassion, patience, and humor were well rewarded with not only boogers all over his shirt, but a kick ass 30th party a year later.  It even had a bouncy house!

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