Tuesday, May 15, 2018

The Stick, The Snake, & The Plumber

Chapter One: Doug

This chapter is short. Very short.  It exists to let you know that everything after this is Doug's fault, He is, after all, the one who had to make a poo.   And that is all of the action for this chapter.  Doug makes a poo.

Chapter Two: The Stick
Since Doug made a poo and has no thumbs, it is left to the human to pick up his resulting "gifts."  Isn't that part of being a decent human? Rule one of decent humanness: Pick up your dog's turds.  It's just courtesy.  -I'm sorry.  I can't lie to you. I only do it because I don't want to step in that mess later.-  But back to the story, on this day, like many others, I act like responsible adult and pick up my dog's poo with one of those those stupid little doggy turd bags and carry it back into the house with me.

Thursday, May 10, 2018

Conversation With My Ex

While I may not want this toxic human being anywhere near my life, I have to admit some of our conversations were hilarious:


Me: Oh my God! 

Him: Yes?

Me: You're not my god.

Him: You have other gods??

Me: Don't worry baby, they mean nothing.


Him: Then why do you have them??


Me: Listen, You are the only one that really counts. Really.


Him: But.... but why do you need the others, aren't I enough? Aren't I god enough for you?


Me: Babe, those other gods are nothing. You are, like, 90% of all I need. A worshiper has other needs             you know.  It's okay if you can't fill them all.


Him: But what can I do to fill that extra 10%? How can I be your ONLY god?


Me: Well, they.... Listen, shut up bitch. This is why spouses beat each other! Ugh!


Him: Yeah, well, you know all those miracles I did for you? I FAKED THEM!