Tuesday, April 17, 2018

Between You Me, & the Agave Worms

This could happen only to me.  I swear my life is a damn sitcom waiting to be written.

This week a student from Mexico gifted me with a bottle of mezcal from her home town of Oaxaca.  In case you don't know, mezcal is a type of tequila, the kind that often comes with the worm. It was a pretty unusual gift. Typically, students will bring candies or trinkets.  I've never been given alcohol before and we are supposed to be a substance free campus.... so this could look bad.
I show the ladies in the office and we're standing around chattering about the gift, making a few girlie "ew" squeals about the two worms on the bottom when a coworker wisely suggests that perhaps, it may be a good idea to put that bottle in a bag or something when carrying it out.  Of course I, possessing giant imaginary brass balls, tell them, "Hey, I've got this! I don't  care.  I'll walk out like this...." as I mime staggering around holding the bottle by the neck. Oh ha ha ha.....Leah is sooo funny.  Such a joker.   She's so ballsy.  Riiiight.

Here's  what happened next.  The work day is ending, so off I go carrying my booze all brazen and what not.  Into the elevator and down to the first floor.  I exit as always and head for the main doors which are double glass doors with double entrances.  As I push through the first set of doors, I look up and what do I see but the president of the university and several others in suits about 100 feet away chatting.

With no hesitation, no thought, my body unhesitantly swings a 160 and I immediately change plans, adjusting my course for the side entrance.  Now, I haven't  done anything wrong, but strutting around with a bottle of booze in front of the head honcho where you work just isn't a great image no matter how you spin it. Even a dope like me knows that!

Ok.  Course adjusted and bad impression averted.  I continue my walk through the building.  Certainly less ballsy but ok.  I hit the side entrance and walk out with my confidence restored.  I confess I'm already laughing at myself in my head.  Honestly,  only me, right? I stride out and l am not more than 3 or 4 steps out of the door when what do I see?  It's the freaking president of the university talking and laughing with the provost next to his car which is parked right outside the side entrance I just used!  I mean, are you freaking KIDDING me!? Is this really happening?

Like a deer in headlights, I freeze. My brain is stuck with two equally strong impulses: retreat as if in danger of something (and thereby looking guilty as hell of doing something  wrong) or just stay frozen and go unnoticed.  In that micro second of indecision the pair glance up and see me.  They continue laughing and chatting. My grid lock breaks and my (stupid, impulsive, backwards) Dumb Brain decides, option three- brazen it out.  My body goes into action and I stride forward.

Now the two are saying their goodbyes and splitting off to go their separate ways.  But Dumb Brain is in full control now.  Yes, they have noticed me but they have not seen me. But Dumb Brain doesn't care. It has set it's path and it is in full control.  I stride over to the president, stop the provost from leaving to her car, and laughingly tell them all about my bottle of mezcal and how I had unsuccessfully tried to avoid them.

I have to say, they both were quite relaxed about the whole thing.  We have a good laugh. Dumb Brain didn't release its hold on me until about halfway home when Smart Brain says, "Hey. Remember about 4 semesters back, during the student Certificate Ceremony when you started off your speech with, good morning everyone, and they all shouted back, good morning? Remember that?"

Yeah, I remember Smart Brain. So What?

"Mhm.  Remember  how you were taken off guard and responded with a laugh and said, 'Gee I feel like I'm at an AA meeting'?"

Uh, yeah...... and? (I don't like where this interior conversation is going)

"Do you remember who the speaker was?  You remember. I know you do. It was him, the president of the university."

Ahhh fuuuuuck. The dude probably thinks I'm an alcoholic who fell off the wagon!  #Goodluckwithyourcareer

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