Monday, February 26, 2018

Stupid Shit People Say

Here's a little snippet of stupid/amusing things people have said to me over time- or at least the ones that really stuck with me.   A caveat though, I am very well aware that I am the queen of awkward and inappropriate. I imagine that somewhere out there someone is writing dumb shit I have said.

My mom:
Mom: well, it's not that you're stupid. That was never your problem.  You just have no common sense.  Einstein couldn't tie his shoes you know.

Me:  Uh, thanks?

A coworker:
CW: How's Doug's recovery?

Me: Great.  He greeted me with his old enthusiasm. Jumped all over me like he used to.

CW: Well, that's good.  It's not like that lasts with anyone else in your life

Me: .... Um..... Yeah.  (My heart breaks a little inside)

A second coworker:
CW2: So, you really don't eat dinner at night?

Me: No. Not usually.  I don't really feel hungry and I'm also too lazy to cook.

CW2: hm.  I just don't understand how you can still be so heavy.

Me: (unable to speak because my brain just went into gridlock with about 15 nasty responses about her weight, looks, intellect)

The second CW again in regards to the shooting of the gorilla Harambi:
CW2:  I cannot believe they shot that gorilla!

Me:  Yeah, that really sucks.  But I see where the zookeepers were coming from.  They have to protect human life over animal.

CW2: Maybe they should have shot the ....

Me: Don't say it....

Other coworkers all freeze and turn towards her.  

Me: Here it comes

CW2: ..kid.  I mean, it's not like there aren't enough toddlers in this world.  There's only so many gorillas.

Dead silence for about 10 seconds and then as if by silent hive-mind communication, every single person turns to another and starts a new conversation.

The second coworker again while in a private meeting.

CW2: (Randomly out of nowhere) "You know every time I look at you, I notice that your upper lip comes to a point like a little bird beak."  She then squeezes her own upper lip and says, "cheep  cheep"

Me: (brain again goes into gridlock because part one wants to point out all of HER physically notable aspects like her huge butt, the flat squishy spot on her upper lip, or maybe her rubbery gross lower lip- and the other part is busy being astonished at the absolute lack of professionalism)

CW2: "(still squeezing the upper lip)  Just like a baby bird......"

Me: .....(thinking to myself,  "I live in a bizarre sitcom. That has to be what is going on here.")

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