Tuesday, February 20, 2018

Doug-clops & His Butthole

Yes, you read the title correctly.  Doug-clops (due to the one eyed deal) and his butthole (which you will have to read on to learn about).

A year or so back I decided I needed a new bed.  The old one was rickety and killing my back.  I had saved up quite a bit from selling prints of my art- well, a lot for me, $2000- and decided to go for it.  So now I have a bed I really like and is very comfortable.  On cold nights I let Doug sleep with me.  I imagine his crate gets cold even though it is stuffed with blankets.

Doug weighs about 19 lbs and throws off enough heat for a 200 lb man.  The nights I let him sleep with me, he curls up against my back under the covers in a tight little ball.  For some reason he always picks the right side. As he heats up, he uncurls like a caterpillar.  Unfortunately as he uncurls it is always in the wrong direction- the one that leaves his butt directly lined up with my face.  There is nothing less pleasing than hearing that tiny little "pft pft pft" noise late at night and knowing what comes next....  Usually a quick flip in the opposite direction to save my brain cells from being destroyed by the disgusting cloud of whatever the hell it was he ate coming from his butt.  Sometimes I don't hear the warning and ... well... GACK!!

Last night, I thought, "Why am I letting this dog always sleep on the right side of the bed? I got this nice big bed, I am single.  I should sleep on whichever side I want."  So I forced him to sleep on the left.  What a treat!  Turns out that when he sleeps on the left, he uncurls so that his head is up!!  No more farts in the face!  Yay!  great......except...

Half asleep, I reach under the covers to pat Doug on his head- so I have reached low because that's where his head usually is.  I almost immediately poke something kind of  squishy and think, "Oh my God.  There goes his other eye."  He doesn't even twitch.  So now I am feeling around at the squishy spot to make sure he's okay when I realize this particular squishy spot seems to be in the center of his  head.  Center of his head?  What?  This isn't making any s-....oh ... my .... GOD!  I am feeling up his butthole! 

GROSS... oh gross.... gross.... gross .... gross.  Ew.....

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