Wednesday, January 17, 2018

Oh Doug...

Photo courtesy of S. Dickerson

Well world, Doug's recovery (story here) is going well. In fact, it may be going a little too well. I would love to tell you he learned his lesson, but that would be a straight up lie.  Honestly, I'm starting to think he likes the pain.  If you look at the picture closely you will see plenty of fine scars across his muzzle from the many many times the cats have told him to take his toys and shove them somewhere uncomfortable.  But Doug is a dog of goals and dreams.  He will  get those cats to play tug-o-war some day, even if it costs him both  eyes.  sigh.....

Today was yet another adventure.  He's clearly feeling better so I had removed his cone of shame the night before and he was doing well.  I made the less than intelligent decision to take him out this morning without it.  To be honest, I think he might be taking advantage of his new handicap just a little bit.  He's always been one to play the I-can't-see-you-so-you-can't-see-me game, but now he's stepped it up to I-can't-see-you-so-you-don't-exist-game.

It's about 7:15 in the morning and I take him out to the backyard to do his business.  Of course me being me, I am dressed in a t-shirt, shorts, and sandals (I'm not totally stupid, I did throw a coat on top of this fashion statement) because this is going to be a quick do your business and get in the house thing.  Right?  Right.   Like a good little monster, he does his business and I, being a model citizen, bend down to pick up his mess (because it IS my yard and ewww I don't wanna see that there) and when I stand up- not a Doug to be found.

I yell out, "Yo Doug! Get back here."  Nothing.  "Doug!  I'm serious.  Get OVER HERE!"  Nothing.   Grrr..... I go check out his number one escape place, the yard of the idiot neighbor who likes to throw his leftovers and refrigerator goo off his back porch.  Yup.  There's the little butt-munch sniffing around.  "DOUG!!" I swear to you that little shit shifted his head ever so slightly to the left to ensure that I was 100% in his blind side and continued to act as if I did not exist. I yell again but this time he makes the mistake of twitching which leads to him seeing me.  I'm pretty sure what went down in this head was something like this:

"Aw. Craaaaap.  She sees me."  He freezes for just a moment.  Flashe his best Derpy Doug grin, looks at me, and thinks, "Nope," and takes off like a shot in the opposite direction at top speed.  Obviously this game is FUN.  He's not even really running away.  He's mostly running in circles just out of my reach.  I'm not only cold, I'm worried that he's going to plow his dumb ass into a pole or something that he doesn't see.  Dammit this sucks!  And I'm going to be late for work.

About 8 hours later (okay 15 or 20 minutes later) he finally gets that the human is serious, has lost any hint of potential sympathy, and is most definitely not having fun.  In fact, the human is angry.  The human is angry enough that she is thinking when she catches him she's gonna squeeze his little neck until his OTHER eye pops out.  This is serious business.

Doug then commences to engage in the most dramatically pathetic, wiggly, belly crawl I have ever seen.  He's whole posture screaming, "please don't beat me." I mean this shit was oscar worthy.  He wiggles and grovels until he reaches my feet where I scoop him up before the neighbors can see this and think I really do beat him.  Now I am stomping back to the house- risking snapping off a frozen toe the entire time- prying semi-frozen, slimy, moldy, disgusting, raw chicken (gack) from his mouth while scolding him.  I mean I am really letting him have it.

"Seriously Doug?  Seriously?  What the hell man?  I give you an inch and you take it a mile.  Do you realize how badly you could have gotten hurt? And what is this...this.... ICK?  I mean, I KNOW you hear me.  Do you think I don't see you?  Gawd.  You are such a BAD little dumb ass.  Do you have any idea how cold I am?  I don't have fur!  I have places to be you know.  I'll bet you're proud of yourself.  You are, aren't you?  Oh look at me, my name is Doug the one eyed bandit.  I can run fast.  God.  I don't even know why I keep you.  Shit. I mean, Seriously? How could you even put this nasty crap in your mouth?  I'm gonna put the cone back on you.  That's what I'm gonna do.  See if I don't.  That'll teach your dumb ass."

I'm think all he heard was the Charlie Brown grown up noise of wa wa wa wa... Doug.. wa wa wah wah wa wa BAD wa wa wah wa. But still, at least I know what I am saying and maybe my tone has gotten through to him.  We get inside and I set him down where he immediately throws me the Derpy Doug grin again and dashes off after Bacon in yet another attempt to lose an eye.  Poor Bacon is hauling his fat ass as fast as he can and doing his best to shove himself under my bed.  "No KITTIES!!!!"  I bellow in the insane hope that maybe this time it will actually mean something.

I've done all I can.  I have trimmed the nails on those two cats to the nearest millimeter of the quick, but they can hit hard.  Maybe this time they just might knock a marble or two loose and he'll finally understand they do NOT want to be his friend.

You know. I'm pretty sure this derpy window licker is going to lose his other eye.  But damn I love his dumb ass.  I'm thinking the next 12 or so years are going to be just day after day of fun fun fun.  Ugh.

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