Saturday, January 27, 2018

My Walk of Shame

It started innocent enough; an announcement that Sam's Club was closing down and prices would be reduced.  Honestly, barely a blip on my radar, because; who cares?  I don't shop there.

Oh but my officemate does. I share an office with the most disgustingly enthusiastic, happy, giving person ever.  Her side of the office is always well supplied with giant multi-snack packs of chips, boxes of little chocolates, and drink mixes (teas and what not).  Officemate is generous and tells everyone, "If you are ever hungry or in need of a snack..."  Typically I have no trouble resisting these things as I am not one to eat chips or pretzels and what's a little chocolate here or there?  But this week she shows up with a case.... A CASE.... of full. sized. chocolate bars: Twix, 3 Musketeers, Snickers, Milky Way.  My salivary glands are in overdrive just typing this.

I sit on my side of the office day after day while that case of candy bars radiates EEEEAAT MEEE. It burns a hole in the left side of my head.  And so, I have.  I have dipped into the font of chocolate and I have not been able to stop.  Who am I kidding?  There has been no dip.  It has been a full on deep water dive.  Day after shame filled day my lack of self control has had me going back to gooble delicious perfect sooth-my-soul chocolate at a prodigious rate.  I am drowning in my desire and gluttony.  Yesterday as I once again reached into that damned box I realized how low it was getting-  My God!!  Did I eat all of these???  Well, yeah. Most of them.

So, trying to be a good person- wait, no.  That's a full on lie.  In order to disguise my gluttony, I stopped at a store this morning and bought some replacements. There I am, 7:30 in the morning at a convenience store counter trying to suck in my gut and look casual with eight full sized candy bars.  The clerk did not say anything about the fat lady buying a ridiculous amount of chocolate and I -stupidly- refused a bag.  Dude, I can handle carrying a few candy bars and, well, the environment.

And so began my walk of shame.  Upon arriving at work I realize I now have to juggle my tea, tablet, phone, and eight candy bars for the walk from my car to work, through the halls, up the elevator, and past several coworkers on our level.... Eight full sized candy bars.  I could feel my nose turning into a snout and a curly tail trying to push its way out of my extra plus sized rump as I walked, head held high and stomach tucked in trying to look thinner than any supermodel ever dreamed of being.

It may not have been the traditional walk, but a walk of shame it was.

PS- When Officemate realized I had replaced a bunch of candy bars, in her usual generosity, she laughs and says, "Oh don't be silly.  They were on sale there's another whole box of them."  Clearly this woman hates me.

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