Tuesday, January 23, 2018

Late Night Musings


Yet another night I couldn't sleep and at 4 a.m. I found my brain thinking the most ridiculous things- as we all do late at night when we are supposed to be sleeping.  This time, thanks to two weeks of Hugh wandering around my house, spiders were on my mind.

So there I am lying in bed trying to think of nothing when Brain says, "Hey.  Hey you.  I just thought of something."

Me: "Go away Brain.  I'm trying to sleep."

Brain: "But I have a thought.  It's such a cool thought.  You have to hear this. I bet you have never had a thought like this before."

Me: "Sigh..... fine. Clearly I don't need sleep. What is this amazing thought?"

Brain: "Do you think spiders fart?"

Me: "What?  Seriously? I don't know.  I don't care.  Just shut up."  - now I am beginning to wonder.  Do spiders get gas?  Does it depend on the type of bug they eat?  I really don't want to be thinking about this but...

Brain: "Hey.  You know what else?  What if they DO fart?  Can you just imagine the guy spiders?  Laughing and comparing farts.... One spider yells over to the other, 'Hey Jeff, Did you hear that one?  that was a web ripper, eh? I'll bet you've never let one loose like that!'"

Me: "Oh my God.  Shut. Up."

Brain:  "Ha ha. I can hear them now-  'Yo Bob!  Did you hear Jeff?  That was nothing man.  Yesterday, I ate 6 fruit flies.  You know what fruit flies do to me, but I just couldn't resist.  Ooooooh man.  The wife was pissed!  I snapped three anchor lines with what I cut loose. It took her 20 minutes to fix the web.'" 

Me: "Amusing Brain.  Really.  Can we just chill now?  We have to work in the morning and I can't have you zoning out on the job.  So please.  Just shut up."

Brain:  "And if they fart.... where's the poop going? You ever think of that?  They're up there on the ceiling just pooping down on your head.  I don't know how you sleep at night."

Me:  "Well, clearly, I don't.  Thanks.  I totally needed to be thinking about spider gas and defecation.  No, really.  Please go on."

Brain:  "I know, right!? It's so interesting.  Like, do they burp?"

Me: "I don't know, but I suspect I am beginning to understand why the female spider eats her mate."

No comments:

Post a Comment