Tuesday, January 2, 2018

Happy F*cking New Year

Let me just start by saying New Year's annoys me.  So as you might imagine this is going to be yet another ranty bitchy Leah post.

First, WTF people?  Really?  Let's all get together like a bunch of savages and drink ourselves stupid while proving we can all count backwards from 10 because- wait for it- the Earth has managed the amazing and clearly difficult feat of making yet another full revolution around the sun.  Just like it has done for 50 kazillion years. 
It's had a little practice at this, so it really shouldn't surprise people, but apparently every year we have to go berserk celebrating an inevitable phenomenon.  And then we (well not me, but the rest of humankind)  make it even more of an event by sincerely lying to ourselves and everyone around us about what we are going to accomplish by the next inevitable revolution.

So today is the second of January and I am back to work where all these cheery people are walking around wishing each other "Happy New Year," which to be honest normally wouldn't make me want to smack them all in the head, but today is special.  I just had four days off.  I ventured out of my house exactly once in those because the weather has been bitter cold and frankly I am emotionally exhausted from dealing with two weeks of my mom's breakdowns related to her newly diagnosed dementia.

So, I sat at home like a barely functioning vegetable. I probably lost muscle tone from lack of use, that is how little I moved. My alarm went off this morning at its normal time-which is a miracle, because I later discovered that I hadn't plugged it in properly and it never charged - Doug didn't move because he knows.  Mom NEVER gets up on the first alarm.  I grumble and tumble out of bed on the third ring because.. well, work.  Now my head is aching as it has every day for the four days off.  I don't know why.  I stagger around (literally).  I bounced off of a couple walls (not exaggerating), hit the corner of my bed in the same damn spot I always do.   It's okay though, because I am so low functioning, I don't even have the energy to care that it hurts.  Later I will wonder where I got the bruise I'm sure.  Hit the remote start for the car.  Take the dog out.  Notice car hasn't started.  Hit remote again. Get in and feed all the furry assholes- which leads me to realize I am in a slightly less than pleasant mood.  Peek out window.  Car still hasn't started.

Now I am on a hunt for my gloves.  I took them out 4 days earlier because of the cold weather and within 15 minutes, lost them.  Which is really weird as I have a pretty clean and organized house.  I suspect my cats, Bacon & Eggs took them away somewhere where they have hidden them, because basically those cats suck.  I get outside and- surprise!- my car will not start.  I am annoyed.  My fingers are so cold they will surely snap off if I bump them against something.  Grump level increase by +4. I call Amanda, who luckily not only lives upstairs but is apparently late leaving for work.  She jumps the car.  But frankly, I am not pleased because by this time the headache has focused itself into a left sided face ache where I am sure there is a herd of nano-aliens trying to force their way out of my head through my forehead and left cheek bone.

No worries people, my day will get better though.  I am sitting at work where all these cheery "happy new year" jerks are running around talking about all the awesome stuff they did during the holidays.  My revenge is sitting on the conference table.  They won't be able to resist.  I bought a dozen of the gooeyest, yummiest donuts just to make them all fat.  Take that world.  HA!

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