Wednesday, December 6, 2017

My Ex was a Genius


I decided to put together a couple of the hilariously amazing things my ex had said/done over the years we had together.  I hope you get as much laughter as I still do from them.  Of course at first I had to sit in awe of the genius before the laughter could hit me.


                                  ***********************************************
Lungs:

Upon returning home from work I was, as everyday, being greeted enthusiastically by our 90 lb pit bull.  I was getting a little tired of the bruises all over my legs from his happy greetings and no number of "get downs" had ever worked with him.  This day I was pretty irritable so I put my foot on his chest and shoved him off as hard as I could.  Here is what followed:

The Ex:  What are you doing?!  Don't EVER kick a dog in the chest!

Me:  First, I didn't kick him and .... what?  why? (other than it's abusive, I'm wondering what's so special about the chest)

The Ex (in his best, you-are-an-idiot voice):  tsk. Everyone knows dogs only have one lung.  That's why they pant.

Me: .........*blink*.....................

Just a note here.  This was in the 90's before we had a computer in the house or smart phones.  I pulled down an encyclopedia to show him that much like... well, ALL mammals.... dogs have two lungs.  I guess the people who write encyclopedias expect a certain level of basic knowledge because under "dog's lungs" there was a beautiful diagram of a lung.  However, there was no notation saying,  *PS dummy, dogs have two lungs.


At a visit to the vet with the same dog:

The Ex to the vet:  No.  I don't want him to have a distemper shot.

Me (very quietly): oh God.

The Vet: Why not?  He needs this.

The Ex:  I WANT  him to be mean.  He's a pit bull.

Me: .....(wondering quietly in my head if one can get dumber by association)


On the DIY  installation of our new bathroom windows:

Me: Something is wrong.  I just can't put my finger on it, but those windows are wrong.

Ex: (furious and defensive)  They are fine!  They are new installation windows and that is how they go in.

Me:  I don't know.  Something just isn't right.

Ex: My father helped me and he knows what he's doing.  They are right.  (storms off)

Now I admit, it took me two days to figure out what was wrong.  I kept looking at those windows and thinking they just didn't look right.  Finally, I walked around the outside of the house and it hit me like a ton of bricks.   The window sills were on the OUTSIDE of the house.  Ex and his father had installed the windows flush with the INSIDE of the house.


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