Wednesday, December 6, 2017
My Ex was a Genius
I decided to put together a couple of the hilariously amazing things my ex had said/done over the years we had together. I hope you get as much laughter as I still do from them. Of course at first I had to sit in awe of the genius before the laughter could hit me.
Upon returning home from work I was, as everyday, being greeted enthusiastically by our 90 lb pit bull. I was getting a little tired of the bruises all over my legs from his happy greetings and no number of "get downs" had ever worked with him. This day I was pretty irritable so I put my foot on his chest and shoved him off as hard as I could. Here is what followed:
The Ex: What are you doing?! Don't EVER kick a dog in the chest!
Me: First, I didn't kick him and .... what? why? (other than it's abusive, I'm wondering what's so special about the chest)
The Ex (in his best, you-are-an-idiot voice): tsk. Everyone knows dogs only have one lung. That's why they pant.
Just a note here. This was in the 90's before we had a computer in the house or smart phones. I pulled down an encyclopedia to show him that much like... well, ALL mammals.... dogs have two lungs. I guess the people who write encyclopedias expect a certain level of basic knowledge because under "dog's lungs" there was a beautiful diagram of a lung. However, there was no notation saying, *PS dummy, dogs have two lungs.
At a visit to the vet with the same dog:
The Ex to the vet: No. I don't want him to have a distemper shot.
Me (very quietly): oh God.
The Vet: Why not? He needs this.
The Ex: I WANT him to be mean. He's a pit bull.
Me: .....(wondering quietly in my head if one can get dumber by association)
On the DIY installation of our new bathroom windows:
Me: Something is wrong. I just can't put my finger on it, but those windows are wrong.
Ex: (furious and defensive) They are fine! They are new installation windows and that is how they go in.
Me: I don't know. Something just isn't right.
Ex: My father helped me and he knows what he's doing. They are right. (storms off)
Now I admit, it took me two days to figure out what was wrong. I kept looking at those windows and thinking they just didn't look right. Finally, I walked around the outside of the house and it hit me like a ton of bricks. The window sills were on the OUTSIDE of the house. Ex and his father had installed the windows flush with the INSIDE of the house.