Friday, December 22, 2017

My Christmas Spirit Retired

🎄  December 21.
Four miserable, last minute shopper, morons with money, whiny kid filled days until Christmas.  You know, Christmas: the day of frenzied paper ripping, ungrateful kids, in-laws & family members that (thank Christ) you only have to see this one freaking time of the year.  You cook until your feet and back hurt for a 20 minute meal, which if you're lucky, no one complains about, and then you're left with 3 day's worth of dishes to clean.  And don't even get me started on the damn needles from the tree you have murdered and strung lights all over like some kind of demented decorator driven serial tree killer.

Anyway, I'm at work, because, you know.... gotta pay for those gifts (and food and heat and all the other necessary shit that make up our joy filled lives).  My car has been needing an oil change, so for my lunch I drive on over to Valvoline- where you don't even have to get out of your car- to get the oil changed.  While I love not having to get out of my car because I'm lazier than a fat house cat in a sunspot, I do not love driving over that damn hole in the ground with the guy in it.  I'm convinced I will be the one idiot who drives into the hole and splatters oil guy who probably not only has a wife and three little adorable kids, but has adopted a local orphan, and houses strays kittens while feeding old ladies in his spare time.

I manage to pull in without causing any deaths, roll down my window and am greeted by Jessica who says with an annoyingly cheery smile, "How is your Christmas going?"  You may have noticed by now that I am not in the cheeriest of moods. Or perhaps, that this is not my favorite time of year.  Before putting any thought into my response, I answer from the heart,  "Fuck Christmas."  Well that certainly grabs her attention.   She exchanges a wide eyed glance with skinny girl who is wearing the nice warm hat her gramma made her.

"Well," she says, "Someone is in a bad mood."

Who is she to judge my mood?  I say, "No.  I'm just irritated. If I were in a bad mood, I would have said 'Fuck Christmas in the ass.'"

She snorts and laughs along with skinny chick who has now begun to sing Rudolf the Goddamn Reindeer!  And a deep mystery voice from below my car has joined in.  Who told oil guy he could sing?? Doesn't he do enough with his orphans and what not? They hate me.  I can tell.  These guys truly suck.

Now I'm getting grumpy.  Rudolph?  If there is one Christmas special I have hated from a very early age, it is Rudolph the Dumb Ass Reindeer.  What a shitty message to send to kids.  Talk about bullying.  Those reindeer treated Rudolf like crap.  And his elf buddy, the one who wanted to be a dentist?  Totally picked on.   Don't even get me started on the island of misfit toys!  The only saving grace of that special was the Bumble and he was only interesting because- Bumbles Bounce!

Jessica is pleased. Jessica says this is the most fun she's had all day.  Skinny girl tells me she likes me.  What is wrong with these people?  Can you get oil poisoning?  Does it rot your brain cells? I tell them,

"Rudolf is a terrible song.  All those asshole reindeer treated him like crap until he was useful and then everyone wants to be his best buddy. If I were Rudolf, I would've told Santa to shove his damn sleigh and have the elves throw together a freaking battery operated headlamp. Oh, while I was being truthful, I might add, something along the lines of -and by the way you fat bastard, since I've got your ear, I gotta ask; do you even think about us reindeer at all when you're chowing down all year?  Eat some freaking vegetables you pig." Valvoline crew thinks I'm funny.  They think I'm cute.  Grrr.  They switch to Let it Snow.  Sigh.  Maybe splattering oil guy wouldn't have been the worst thing.

My day only brightened when Jessica offered to let me clip her with my mirror on the way out so she could collect on a work injury.  I was tempted, I really was.  I mean here is kindred soul.  But given that they did a great job, and reduced the price by about $50.... I just couldn't find it in my teeny tiny pre-Christmas Grinch heart to actually do it.

Honestly, I hope they all have a wonderful Christmas.   What a nice group of people. 🎄

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