Sunday, December 10, 2017

I Think It Means I'm Actually Just a Bitch

The day started out normal.  Well, my normal anyway.  I didn't fall asleep until after 3 am so it wasn't until Bacon stepped onto my face  at least twice that I dragged my butt out of bed around 11 am.  Doug's bladder was most likely ready to burst and the cats were being pretty insistent that due to the possession of opposable thumbs, it was my job to get the hell up and feed them.  Dicks.

Feed the cats.  Feed the dog.  Push around some snow on the walkway and driveway. Come in and make a tea and some toast and fruit.  My first hint that I might not be in the best of moods is when I hear myself tell the dog (and kind of mean it), "If you bother that cat one more damn time I am going to punch your face right the fuck off your head."  Which frankly would have been a pretty impressive feat given that his dumb little face is smooshed so tightly to his stupid freaking skull.

My hair has been needing to be dyed and I've got a couple of prescriptions to pick up so Doug and I jump in the car and head out.  Good thing about Doug is, he doesn't hold a grudge...  or he knows it's pretty much impossible to punch a face off and is feeling confident.

Turning onto the road that CVS is on, my eye is caught by a gorgeous Dodge Charger.  Shiny black with a nice tan stripe running down the right side.  It has a pleasing rumble.  Beautiful damn car.  It pulls into CVS in front of me.  We pass two perfectly good parking spaces because let's face it, it's mushy and gross out there and I don't know about that guy, but I'm only wearing socks and open toed sandals.  Turn the corner. Find a premo spot about two spaces away from the door and park.  Dodge charger pulls up into the fire lane right in front of the door, throws on his flashers, leaves his car running, steps out and strolls on into CVS.

I look at Doug.  He looks at me.  "Yo Doug.  Look at that entitled asshole.  Blocks up the driving area in snowy damn weather because he's too special to park in any of those open spaces?  I should punch his face off."  Doug agrees.  I can tell.  Or he's soaking in the aroma of the fart he just let loose.

I walk into CVS.  Dodge Charger dude is looking around, clearly in search of a particular item.  I think, "Asshole," and walk on by.   Ten paces and my legs just stop.  I turn around, walk back to Dodge Charger Dude.  Stand calmly in front of him until he looks at me.   At which point my interior voice goes exterior.

Me, "You know, you are some kind of entitled asshole."

Guy (startled), "wha.... huh?"

Me, "You've pulled up into a fire lane with your nice fancy car.  Blocking the traffic.  Just to keep your feet dry?"

Guy (now focused on me), "What?  I just need a shovel."

Me (in a down south sugar sweet tone), "Oh well then.  Okay."  Now people are watching, "I see.  Because all those little old ladies and other people can, you know, just walk around you.   No biggie."

Guy (It has now clicked in to him that I am, in fact calling him out, in front of a lot of people), "Who the fu..... you......  shovel.... I don't answer to you."

Me (raising my eyebrows), "Dick move dude.  Dick move."  and I walk away.

I can hear him beginning to finally truly react.  He's recovering his pride, muttering bitch and a few other special descriptive words.  I keep walking because exterior voice has gone interior again where it belongs and it is asking me what the hell I think I am doing.   Am I PMSing?  What was that all about?  Nope.  Can't be PMSing.  I'm past all those hormone swings and what not.  I think this means  I am actually just a bitch.

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