Wednesday, November 22, 2017

I Shoulda Stayed in Bed (for real)

My day started before I even awoke this morning.  The alarm goes off and I grumble, "Okay okay right.  Not yet," and shut it off as I do nearly every morning.  In case you're wondering, yes, I really do speak aloud to the alarm as if it were a living annoying thing that I can reason into giving me more time.  I immediately fall back to sleep into an incredibly vivid semi lucid dream that involves a lot of the color teal and me trying to remove a corset in order to get ready for work.  Yeah, I know, teal right?    Anyway, I don't remember feeling any sense of particular urgency as I unzipped and unhooked and what not, but I think the dream colored (Get it? Colored?) the next 45 minutes of my life.  As I am unhooking and unzipping and what not I say to myself, "This is crap.  I don't have time for this.  I have to wake up."  And so I do.

Or so I thought.  Apparently my body is moving.  I am doing stuff, but some vital part of my brain was NOT in the house because what happened over the next 40 or so minutes is a bit scary.  I free the dog from the crate, put on a coat, take him outside, put out the trash while he does his thing.  We go back in, I grab his food dishes.  He sits to wait like a good dog.  Feed him.  Feed the cats.  Walk very solidly with a full half of my body into a doorway (My left boob still hurts).  But, not even feeling the usual disgust for my clumsiness, I back up and keep moving.  I get dressed, brush my hair and teeth, and walk out the door with my sneakers, phone, and keys in my hands.

I get in the car and decide I'll put the sneakers on in the Dunkin Donuts drive through.  Put the car in gear and set off for work.  I have accomplished this in approximately 20  minutes with no sense of urgency or rush what so ever.  Just the normal routine.  I think I'm fine.  Apparently I was very very far from fine. 

At the first turn there's a bunch of traffic so I put on my left sneaker, since my right foot is doing it's duty with the brake and the left is free.  Oh, it's my turn to go.  I put the other sneaker in my lap for reasons that are unclear and go.  I am now coming down a hill.  Blink.  The car in front of me has stopped and somehow I did not notice this.  My foot panics, steps on the gas, the sneaker rolls off my lap onto the floor and my right foot is now going nuts trying to figure out which pedal it should actually be on.  I veer the car right to avoid hitting the car in front of me at which point for just a nano second the right foot find the gas and presses.  I am now driving at increasing speed directly at the back end of a truck that is unloading.  The man standing inside the truck and I lock eyes.  I have the half formed somewhat lazy thought of, "Well this is gonna suck," when the right foot finds the brake and hits it.   My car stops about 6 inches short of killing me by decapitation and tossing the wide eyed delivery guy on the top of my car.  We stare at each other for a lifetime. My body does a full huge exhale.

I'm still not sure as I sit there what exactly has just happened other than I did not drive my car under a truck and kill myself.  I am a noodle in the car seat.  Staring guys is now holding out both hands in a "Whoa.  Whoa.  Don't move lady.  Don't kill us" gesture.  A little late in my opinion, but I understand the sentiment.  Since I haven't actually killed anyone or even nicked anything I guess the only reasonable thing to do is get to work.

Check traffic.  Not another vehicle in sight.  Back up.  Carry on.  Shit.  Wow.  I almost killed myself.  Weird.  But I'm okay now.  Right?  No.  I am now approaching Kelley Square.  Kelley Square is THE worst clusterfuck of streets that ever existed anywhere.  Seven  roads feeding into one area at different angles.  No lights, signs, or lines on the road.  There are two, possibly three, lanes depending on your interpretation.  As a veteran of this I am almost through when I lose patience with the SUV in front of me that is- in my opinion- being far too timid and I go around a bit aggressively.  To almost slam into the little car waiting patiently for the big rig that is backing into a factory on one of the streets.  Right foot performs its function appropriately and once again, no one dies.

Now a very distant part of my brain is beginning to realize that perhaps PERHAPS all is not okay in Leah Land.  PERHAPS she is not entirely at the lunch table.  PERHAPS she has almost killed us twice and we should be a little upset or at least feeling SOMETHING about this.  Perhaps.  Traffic clears.  I carry on.  From here on out it is once again a very easy autopilot because it's the day before Thanksgiving and most sane people are at home.  My shoe is still not on, but it is in the passenger seat so I guess that's good.  At Dunking Donuts I make my order, put my shoe on, and get my food and proceed.  Parking at work is great.  There are no students.  I step out of the car onto the shoe lace that is yet to be tied and almost drop my tea.   At which point all parts of the brain click into place and realize....... HOLY FUCK!!!  I never ever should have gotten out of bed.

Oh, and I got to work 10 minutes early.  And I am only now beginning to get a little shaky.  Oh yeah and, fuck teal.  It's a dumb ass color.

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