Tuesday, November 7, 2017

First World Rage


I have it.  I admit it.  Today I am in a full on First World Rage.
First, it's my sleep in day.  I go to work at 11:30 am instead of 8 am so I get to sleep.  Hurray.  I love sleep.  Sleep is high on the list of my all time favorite things to do.  I value sleep.  It, of course, does not value me.


So, anyway, there I am laying in bed at 7 am with my fat ass cat, Bacon, standing on my chest purring like a bandsaw because clearly it is past feeding time.  If I lay still enough, I think maybe he'll go away.  And he does after about 15 minutes of walking up and down my body.  By then of course the rest of the building is going through their various routines to go to work at the normal hour.  Do you think any of those thoughtless fuckers tiptoe down the stairs with cotton padding on their feet?  Of course not.  So the stomping and chatting and door closing finally ends after ten. brutal. minutes.  and I think.... yeah, NOW I'll sleep.  Oh hell no.  Brain (that dirty bastard) is wide awake now.
I stubbornly lay in bed until 8 am when I remember, "CRAP!!  I'm supposed to bring my car in to have the airbag fixed today."  Brain says, "yeah, but it's the passenger side..... it's not like YOU will get the shrapnel when it explodes."  Damn.  That's harsh Brain.  So I decide I had better take care of this.  I get up and start to put on pants like a normal human- staggering around trying to keep my balance while tripping over a purring cat and impatient dog- muttering and cursing and seriously considering just taking the stupid dog to pee in my underwear.

We get outside- while I am not pantsless, I am barefoot- and I remember, "leaf collection."  Shit.  the city is going to collect leaves today.  My leaves are where all normal leaves are, all over the freaking yard with some in soaking wet paper bags.  I figure at least I can drag a bag or two to the street while the dog is peeing.  yeah, right.  They rip.  I curse.  Dog takes off. Now, I not only hate the city, but my sleeping son who has no idea I'm pissed because he's not raking leaves I didn't ask him to rake, and I want to shoot my dog because my feet are freezing and it's clearly his fault for not reminding me to at least put on sandals.  The leaf bags have ripped of course and frankly, at this point, if a car runs the dog's stupid ass over, I just might give them 20 bucks.

I go inside, feed the cats, put out the dog food, yell out the door for my idiot dog (you know, the one whose owner didn't leash him to take him out).  No go.  He's still doing whatever it is dogs do when they take off.  I'm sure it mostly just sniffing and pretending not to hear their human.  There might be some snickering involved.  I'm not sure.  Okay, back in the house.  Trip over the cat who is trying to escape.  Decide, "Fuck it.  I'm leaving.  The dog can run free!"  And there he is waiting at the door oblivious to my death stare as I let him in.

Alright.  Not a great start and I'm going to be late for the car appointment but whatever, I can deal.  I'll hit Dunkin Donuts, get a nice hot tea... it will be fine.  Right.

At DD I am assaulted with a "malpew?"   Now I know she's saying "may I help you" super fast, but fuck man,  E-NUN-CI-ATE.  Ok.  Get a grip.   "Yes, I would like a large black tea with extra sugar."  I know what comes next and sure enough, "OK.  Large black coffee extra sugar." Is it illegal to strangle a speaker or just weird??  I correct her.  Get my tea (oh thank God in heaven it is actually tea).  Scald not only the roof of my mouth but my freaking cleavage as well because, well, I am me.
Now I want to ram every car in front, beside, or next to me.  Just because.  Oh, and yeah, school buses.  I hate school buses.  I make it to Auburn without killing a single human and stand in line behind a very nice much older man who has to tell the receptionist his entire life story while I concentrate on not letting my face show I just want to punch in the back of this nice old guys head like a soft melon.  He turns and smiles at me with a cheery, "have a nice day"and heads on his way.  I definitely did NOT think about tripping him as he walked by.

Ok.   Car is in being fixed.  It's not going to cost me a penny because it's a recall.  There's leather couches and TV.  I settle in.  I'll just play solitaire or something on my phone.  I shit you not.  A priest  -A PRIEST- sits next to me and immediately starts to snore.  Do you go to hell for strangling elderly priests?  I would move, but across the way is some long haired good looking woman with painted fingernails and perfect make up (god what a bitch) talking on her phone and I might be forced to feed it to her, so I take the high road and drop my phone on the priest's foot while apologizing profusely.  Shouldn't he be praying or something anyway?

I get my car from a very pleasant guy- who clearly also needs a throat punch- and head off to work.  You know what?  I'll buy donuts for the office.  That will make me feel nicer.  Back to "Malpew?"  Sigh.  A dozen donuts later I'm driving around the parking lot at work looking for a spot for 20. damn. minutes.  I've already rage eaten two donuts and am considering calling in sick for the benefit of everyone around me when a spot opens up- right near the door!  Yeah!

I'm in the building balancing donuts, stolen sugar packets, and another tea when the receptionist decides she wants to chat and be friendly.  "mhm.  yup. yup. mhm. sure. You have a nice day too."  Brain is busily devising ways to "accidentally" sneeze on her while I am concentrating on smiling pleasantly.  I get to the office and the first thing I am greeting with is,  "Leah.  You're here!  My favorite person.  How was your morning?"   All I can think is, WTF is wrong with people?  I want to kill you.  I hate the world.  These damn donuts are heavy and you, YOU, you're too fucking nice.  But I'm a grown up.   I smile and say, "Get out of my office until you can say at least one mean thing and don't come back."

I hope they all gain ten pounds eating my donuts and it's only 12:30.  I have 6.5 hours to go.
#firstworldproblems  #menapausalbitch

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