Sunday, January 6, 2019

Late Night Brain Farts

Brain: hey.  Psssst. HEY.

Me: *groan*

Brain: C'mon.  This is good.

me: Nooooo.  Shut up.  I'm sleeping.

Brain: hemorrhoids.

Me: I'm sorry. What!?

Brain:. Yeah.  This is genius. So, you know how some people say you can use Preparation H under your eyes to shrink bags?

Me: I guess?

Brain:. Well, you've been grumbling about that extra 20 lbs.... Rub it on your tummy!  Ta da!

Me: So first, it's NINETEEN lbs, and I don't think it works that way.

**Excuse me?  Hello?  Sorry to interrupt. Imagination here. I couldn't help but overhear.... **

Me: seriously?  Another voice in my head?  Sigh.  Of course.  Why not?  It's only 2 am.  Go ahead.

Imagination: Right.  I got this.  Picture this.
You're at work and you are looking GOOOD girlfriend.  For the low cost of $127.50 you have coated that bloat and you soooo skinny....

Me: What's up with the weird grammar?

Brain: Shhhh.  I wanna hear this.

Me: Oh gosh.  I'm sooo sorry Brain.  By all means, listen on.  It's not like I wanted to sleep or anything.

Imagination:. Walking down the stairs.  You got your favorite boots on.  You know the ones.  Not too short.  Not too tall.  Have a real nice click when you walk. . Mmmhm.  You clothes are fitting sweet.  Confident walk.  Nice hair.  You're looking swell.... Oh did I say SWELL??? *Snicker*

Me: I'm not sure I like where this is heading.

Imagination: Final flight baby.  You feeling goooood.  There's a guy walking by the base of the stairs, not that you notice because you're deep in important sexy people thoughts.  When BAM the PrepH wears off .  You start popping rolls like the Doughboy on crack. Shit's jiggling, and bouncing, and popping.....

Me: I feel ill.

Brain:. More!!! I love it!!

Me: Not only am I never going to sleep again, I'm never going to work.

Brain: Ok Ok.  I have another one.  So you know how tampons absorb moisture....

Me: Gaaargh!!!! No no nonoooooop

Friday, November 2, 2018

Flirting-Leah Style

I am a notary. 

As such the campus police often come to my office to have documents notarized.  First and foremost, I have made it clear I do not charge... in cash.   Chocolate is very much in favor with me.  :)

Anywho, yesterday the front desk clerk comes to my office door with a twinkle in her eye.  She tells me one of the officers is looking for a notary.  I give her a questioning look.  What's up with the twinkle I wonder?  She says, "He brought chocolate," and leans in to whisper, "but I'd choose the handcuffs."

OMG really?  Okay.  He comes in.  Tall.  Uniformed.  No arrogant rage triggering attitude.  Okaaay.  He drops four mini bite 3 Musketeers on my desk.  This dude is looking more attractive by the minute.  We're chatting away while I notarize and I ask about the pink patch on his shoulder.  He explains its in support of breast cancer awareness.   As he signs his document he says,  "Next up is No Shave November in support of testicular cancer awareness."

I don't miss a beat because I'm clever like that.  I respond with:

"You think your wife is gonna mind your hairy balls? Oh, and man that's gonna be itchy growing back in."

Sigh.  FML.  I'm going to be alone forever

Tuesday, October 23, 2018

4 Day Diary of Near Death

Day 1
Dear Diary-
I am so sick.  My brain is throbbing and my stomach hates me.  I was woken up by a solid bite encompassing the entire end of my nose!  Through tears and sleep blurred eyes, I see Blue Bear sitting on the mattress 5 inches from my face.  I suspect he's waiting for me to die.

Dear Diary-
Slightly better.  Actually ate a little today.  I made sure to move a body part periodically so that the cat knows that I am still alive.  I want to be sure he at least waits until I am actually dead before attempting to eat me again.

Saturday, October 20, 2018

And on a Serious Nose....

Years ago in college, I had to take a class on the writings of Chaucer.  The most famous of which is, of course, the Canterbury Tales.  As enthralling as these tales of religious pilgrims were, I would on occasion find my attention wandering.  Here's one of the results;

Wednesday, October 10, 2018

My Cat Broke My Dog's Dick

I wasn't really sure if I could write this particular entry as it's not so much funny as horrifying, or maybe, horrifyingly funny.  I will tell you right up front, the cat did NOT in fact break the dog's penis, but I honestly thought for a while I was going to have to call the vet and tell her that my cat had broken my dog's dick.  The same dog, by the way, who had already lost an eye because of another cat.

****Trigger warning: if you have had a bad experience with aroused donkeys or horses, priapism, or the color purple, the following content may be upsetting for you.****

Friday, September 28, 2018

The Hampster in my Head

Tonight as I closed my eyes to sleep, my brain, previously professing to be tired, perked up like a hamster who just got a brand new extra squeaky wheel.  Then it jumped on and started spinning.  I told myself, it's just a matter of discipline.  Meditate. Breathe deep.  Think of nothing.

"HA!" laughed hamster brain who by then had gleefully added those damn habitrail tunnel things to it's imaginary kingdom.  Now hamster brain is meandering through tunnels with strange turns and twists made of pretty colors.

I think it has produced some weird imaginary hamster brain offshoot because I swear I still hear the hamster wheel squeaking in the background.... oh wait.  That was just Doug farting.

Forget everything you just read.